(Very) Unlikely to get me to a Carl's Jr.

I don't know what the marketing people at Carl's Jr are thinking. These minds thought up arguably the most unappetizing fast food slogan (If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face.) Their ads typically feature some hot skinny girl stuffing her face with a giant burger that's dripping sauce and ketchup all over their clothes. Message to me: You should never eat a Carl's Jr without a clean change of clothes and a mop and bucket ready.

Here's how their new Super Bowl 2008 commercial opens. The scene opens to a shot of the bleachers of some college basketball court, where a good-looking guy and his hot blonde girlfriend are having takeout lunch from Carl's Jr. Someone off-screen is dribbling a basketball. Who is their target audience, I wonder? Hmmm.

They're talking about a party or something that they are going to later that night.

Guy: So I actually have to wear a black tie to this thing tonight?

Girl: It's just an expression.

The guy takes a huge chomp of his burger and mumbles with his mouth full of food.

Guy: So I (muffled) colored tie or what?

Here's my first objection to this ad. Just take a good look at the size of that burger he's cramming into his face. By itself it's just about as big as his own face. It could probably keep alive a starving family from Darfur for a week.

Girl: I think its--oh babe, you got something right here (points to her own chin)

Guy: Right here?

She slurps from a giant beverage cup, as the guy brushes his cheek with his fingers.



I know I have this peeve regarding the portion sizes here in the US. I mean, just how big is that drink? Extra large? I could never finish a drink of that size in one sitting, even if it were only filled with water. Even if it were Diet Coke, there's no way for that girl to gulp that down and still keep up her hotness. She'd balloon up to twice her size before too long.

The guy chomps on his burger some more, as the girl points to an area on her face.

Girl: No, it's sorta more.... over here.

Guy: What, over here?

Here's a closeup of what the girl has been stuffing into her own face.



How many calories does she have right there in the palms of her hand? That tub of fries is bigger than her entire hand. Size notwithstanding, just what is that clumpy, goopy mess anyway? It strongly reminds me of a photo from this blog posting of the worst food in America. Coincidentally Carl's Jr is also on this list for the worst burger in America.

Girl: No, it's sorta more... in this area.

Guy (swabs his chin): Did I get it? Am I good?

He's got chili smeared all over his face! Ha ha. What are we, 6 years old? Why don't you have the guy open his mouth and let us see the chewed-up burger inside, why don't you. (You want seafood? See food.) What was disgusting even back then, is still disgusting now.

Who was the advertising genius who thought that seeing yucky, sticky, mashed-up chili on this dude's face is ever going to get hungry hordes of people stampeding over to their local Carl's Jr? How about getting a bucket so he could barf his lunch out for us to see? In fact, why don't you give me the bucket. I'm feeling like I want to throw up just watching this ad.

Here's a thought: maybe that's the brilliance behind the ad. Imagine if you will, the collective retching of the masses after watching this ad. What better way to refill their purged stomachs than with a huge, oversized meal from Carl's Jr?

The ad closes with the annoying, lackadaisical announcer. I hate this guy's nasally slacker voice. Who is this guy? If you happen to know him, smack him around a few times for me.

Announcer: Chili Cheeseburgers. Back at Carl's Jr.

I'll let someone else from the lard-assed masses buy your disgusting burgers. I'll have none of it, thanks.


PS: I did a YouTube search of other Carl's Jr ads and found this clip. It's a great parody of their typical adverts (complete with slacker announcer), and pretty much sums up how I feel after I watch their ads: